” You can’t continue to be like this, you can’t keep hiding away from people.” said my father. i replied with a simple why?, ” you’ll grow up one day you’ll be forced to live in an environment with people. and your going to need these people, we are not created to be on our own. people need each other. responsibilities gets distributed and that’s how the world works” he replied triumphantly. i can still remember how mad i was when i heard this talk. i made it my mission that day that i would prove i won’t need anyone and i can make it perfectly on my own.
now that i have grown up a little, i did prove that i don’t need anyone to be who i am. to live. but what i didn’t count for is. did i want to be who i am? because when you live independently. you realize that people’s existence don’t matter. and get to be alone with your true self. your mind takes on a loud personality independent of your being. do i want to be with who i am ? apparently i don’t.
i realized this now. because in the last couple of years, i have been wrecking my mind trying to figure out. what went wrong? why isn’t there anyone around me? why does no body offer help? so immersed in trying to prove my believes i have not noticed that i have been living within that belief. no one is offering help because that is how the world works. you don’t ask for it, you reject the help! and people even very close ones; they stop! they stop offering.
i don’t know if my dad was only talking about materialistic things or not. but i realized that the core of what he was saying to me was: hearing a mind other than mine for a change. i have grown sick with hearing my mind all the time. seeking a louder mind than mine. other people speak and their words float in mid air. untouchable and unreachable. i would try to connect the dots to the closest thing my mind could relate to. but it was like fixing a smudged painting with a dirty brush. voids are created and distance grows.
i look down at my own feet as i walk, wondering what made me walk alone that day. not trying to connect, not trying to seek out any louder minds. i found comfort in my patterned movement. the same swifts, same regrets in the midst of doubt and certainty all side to side. seeking out louder minds seems to be a set failure an attempt to go further back towards the starting line.
my dad was right about most of what he said. but was wrong about one thing; my fault was not in hiding away from people. my fault was exposing my independence to people. people indulge in the fact that their needed by others. it justifies their existence. they need justification to live properly. to draw out a map with directions. i haven’t given them any. yet i have given them directions without a map. and so they drew me a question mark and left.
i can’t wake up from my coma and ask where did all people go. they went where their needed. the world fits more clearly now into the image of a Lego game where every piece is installed in it’s set place. where it’s needed!
and it’s okay. some software are made with a glitch, and i either need someone to fix me or continue to be a question mark.