the love kinda friendship

 A Relationship formed side by side with friendship  is of the strongest ones.

if i’m ever asked for an advice about a certain admirer or crush i’d say be friends 1st before you walk into the formidable love drama, because that’s the part where you get comfortable and start knowing things you didn’t know before and that either makes your relationship stronger or merely a mistake but with going with the friends then lovers approach there is  a greater chance you’ll find that mistake before the harm is done.

but what if your not planning for love or friendship what if your best friend decided to love you and it turns to one sided love.

he loved me 1st, he love me more, he love me once, twice and he loved me thrice and many times.

he loved me like in the movies, like in the stories and like i was the only girl on the planet.

he loved me and i tried to love him back, his warm eyes and widest of smiles, i can see me in those eyes, and the best of all? his overwhelming presence, oh how many times have i wanted to hug him and assure him that i’m doing my best to be his, but doing the best to be his is not the same as being his, and if i do fail, it would be twice as hurtful than if i was his for even once! with the loss of his friendship.

i’m not hurt by the lack of love, not hurt for being left out, for being unappreciated, nor for being alone as people nowadays are, i’m hurt by the unconditional love that i’m unable to take in or have the will to give back, i’m suffocated by the irony of life and scrutiny of days, and it’s sure my future won’t be of any less confusion.

this has been the heaviest of burdens and the lightest of dreams , the greatest of sins and of my most blessed deeds, a virtue and disbelief .

over the past couple of years have i carried this schizophrenic monotony, i didn’t quite understand it, nor have i understood it yet! i have chosen to write about it before, hoping for the words i write to provide me with at least an echo of a meaning, but ended with not having the courage to write a single word.

He was planning to watch a movie, watching movies and talking about them with him is one of the things that sets this life at ease, he named a few and decided to watch ‘Love Rosie’ he recommended it so…

i carried on, and watched it too months later, specifically the night of the 26th of march 2016, the movie was of his story, wishing i have watched it way earlier, it struck me that the only thing i was ever confused about is myself!

i kept everything he ever got me, they are of the things i church, not matter how small it was, was it a piece of paper, couple of simple quotidian words, or was it a gift box.

He is the idea and the meaning, the question and the answer, he is the sky with it’s morning sun and night moon, he is the tears and the smile, the pain and the joy, the leafs of autumn, the howling wind, the rain and storm, the sun that burns your skin, and the colors of spring that makes all the former somehow tolerable, he is everything of a meaning.

and i’m a person of irrationality and rational madness which sounds utterly irrational and that’s how i feel most of the time, i usually fail to grasp the core of meanings and i’m happy with that.

this time i failed to grasp the most important of meanings

i failed to grasp a friend

i failed to grasp him.


Author: malak94abouras

i never asked to love the words, they have loved me and i have then fallen

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