The story of me

“My mother likes you, she sends her congrats for passing your subjects” my friend said as we exchanged our enthusiasm towards passing two of the hardest subjects of this semester, my reaction to her mother’s regards were the same as my reaction to every sweet talk i ever got: with cherry pink cheeks and “oh really?” and so i replied “she thinks your the strongest and most resilient of all of us” my friend noted at the end of our conversation. I was left wondering staring at the ceiling and the LED lights hung unplugged. Why do people see in me what i can’t see in myself? Suddenly all the remarks made about my personality from friends, family, acquaintances and most shockingly those who i didn’t even recognize but do recognize me. I remember a girl i barely knew once asking me ” are you the oldest in your family? ” i shook my head in denial as she added “because your a leader and people find it comforting to follow you instead of following themselves” 

I wish i could pause time when ever someone praise me for my strength, leadership or whatever they think they see and i don’t, whatever they think i have and they don’t. I’d like to claim my weakness, to claim my fragile state, and to stick to the black and white picture i see of myself. I have stood in corners observing people searching for the proper explanation of their psychology on life, their beliefs and theories. I have forgotten they can see me standing alone where if the wind picked me up I’d not fall but rise and where if it rained i would not run as they do in fact that’s when linger. They observed and waited for something to tangle me with in all of that knowing that because i stand alone no one will come to help me. They observed and i stayed. Unknowingly i was drawing a painting of scribbled lines and wavy circles they haven’t seen before, i was a musician who played so randomly well striking the piano tiles with the full strength of utter self content. What ever is the image i shaped bottom line was that they saw what i didn’t see in me. 

I have watched the full moon coming to full illumination through every moon cycle. I have watched and failed to see the moon is ever so intriguing, ever so beautiful ever and forever rises alone but does the moon know how strong it looks when it rises alone as the stars gather and watchs from far?  

I don’t know of the full moon but i know of what now have become the full me. The doubt will turn to strength and i will see in myself what stars see in a full moon.

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Author: malak94abouras

i never asked to love the words, they have loved me and i have then fallen

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