What it means to be mad?

The weight of my mind bares me down, it tangles up the stream of thoughts, the waves of emotions and my line of life all into one imbalanced point, a fine thread between being normal and being mad.
I can’t even see or feel that thread anymore, i neither know whether I’m normal or mad, I’m normal because i say I’m mad, (mad people often see themselves normal) i know I’m not normal because nothing on or in this earth is the way for me, but if i say I’m normal then I’m mad, and if i think in this pattern that must mean I’m mad.
I guess i lost that fine thread the moment i visualized it.
It appears to me in my friend’s smile, in my little brothers satisfaction, in my goals and in my efforts, it appears to me in myself, it appears in parallel, and in pyramidal distinction, it’s a fine thread but it’s the only thing that connects me to reality, to thinking, and to rationality but only in skepticism to all of what’s just said,  skepticism is a black line that approximates the fine thread of madness or in contrast of normality, it margins the madness when skepticism is in the fine law of existing, and the normality when skepticism in the queries of humanity is denied.
The stars are beautiful but they are the reck of something, they are still beautiful though the energy it holds, the distance it travels, it’s marvelous in the dreams they shed upon the eyes of the hopeless, is there any skepticism in those dreams?  But are there any laws that govern them? There is freedom in thought, there is freedom in skepticism, there is no law and normality is to deny what you can’t acquire, madness is to acquire what others skepticise.


My Quantum entanglement

He is a slender tall man, solemnly shaken by his own mind, as a willow tree shaken by her own branches.
Today he talks to me and smiles, blocking the sun as he stands, happy that finally his mind surrendered to his soul, ” i had thoughts and i let them play out for two hours and a half and it felt like watching a movie” he says.
Aren’t our lives a one gigantic
movie where we play lead parts on how the events play out, there is  always a plot and a scenario to how things ends up.
It’s often stated that we can’t change these plots, but it’s also often we forget it’s made through us as we are made through it.
If we cease to exist the movie stops, we own it’s existence, why don’t we start owning it’s plots.
It’s funny to think that with only what he said i got to play another movie of my own.
A background to the history of where we start is the future to where we exist.
We fail to comprehend the truth in front of us sometimes, well  (for me it’s most of the time) , i just fail to see why would the thing i feel is real, why would it be a hint of what’s coming, i always doubted what i felt, and needed confirmation from my sister or a friend that what I’m feeling is true or sain enough to be believed, but i know now after having to take a very difficult decision that will probably affect my life for ever , that i don’t need a prove to my feelings from anyone, it’s only a matter of time, till i say deep down “if only i listened to myself”, it’s just ironic but most logical having to be your least self to really know who is yourself, having to get to the most shattered state to believe that your whole, having to brake yourself to build it up again the right way, only know i understand, only know i know why this line: “i was not,i was nothing, and that seemed to me quite marvelous” was kept by me as a note which i set to be reminded of every other day.
“i believe i was nothing, but as weird as it seems it felt most peaceful”
The 1st line was by Paulo Coelho, the 2nd was by a one tall slender man, my friend, my brother my Quantum entanglement, who is to me the most generous in soul and heart but he too still searching for a prove to his own sanity.

All sorts of all

You were fought off your existence, since the day you were born, your fought by the closest people to you, and that’s all you know about life.
You were given an incredible ability to love everyone, to cherish every human soul, and to give when ever you can, even when your running low yourself!
That love is often rejected, used, misunderstood or even drained and misplaced, you go by everyday with something missing, with a void you keep on filling with meaningless objects and tainted smiles.


You manage to renew your faith in humanity and keep on giving and it’s a circle all over again.
I walk beaten in soul, and i try with every breath i can to find the patience and the courage to still give, because i still believe that somewhere someplace there are people who deserve even a little of what i got to give, i believe that these people are the reason why I’m still fighting for the real me, for the virtues i was born with.
I’m the kind of person who wears her feelings upon her face, i struggle to laugh through the swirling emotions inside, just so people won’t ask what’s wrong? This question is just a useless remark by someone who is just forced by  the sight of your misery to ask it.
I go by everyday with a moment where i look at the wall of the library where i study and feel the urge to let go and just cry, to admit the big ball of sadness, anger and despite i am!
I look around and i know there is no one who’s worth it enough to see that side of me.
I get up and look around for something to restore peace to my soul just enough so i can hold it all together
Usually that 1st person would be Awad, Awad is the godfather of the library, he is big guy with a slender soul, a boldy who constantly wears a smile so big it says I’m too strong for this world and eyes that holds a great ocean of sadness i can’t figure out, i grew fund of him over the days, i can spill gibberish and he would still understand and comment on, he gives at moments when he is in the most need to receive.

I have learned that pain is of all sorts, the soundless pain, the pain the leaches on, the pain that is not worn apparently but is always there, see the problem is not in feeling pained, the problem is in the sort of pain that’s so strong it can’t be felt, it’s a plague of human interaction, it spreads and detaches you from the ground you set your feet on so much that you can’t feel it’s presence, so the real problem is NOT feeling pained.
Your judgment is impaired and your emotions are as useless as that one shirt in the closet you never wear!

Who am i? And the ugly truth

With two simple words, your life may take an unexpected turn and you might get to be someone you never thought you had within, the run of events, from the looks to the casual heys,  to the long Internet talks, to meetings and from that to the longings and admiration.


You think you know who u are and how much you can give!
but it turns out you were misplaced and that’s not who you really are but who your oppressed to be.

I never even thought of knowing what passion is, or what longing for as much with a person is, i never thought i could feel the presence of someone elses but mine, my presence was always too big it shadowed over everyone elses and no one could reflect back any light.

But his presence here and now is making mine even bigger and most  radiant.

I feel empowered by it and i feel the need to empower it back, i need to see it shadow over others with me, more than it ever shadowed over any before.

I never thought i could be happy or sad for someone other than my family, things just don’t interest me enough, nothing is intriguing unless if it was coming from inside my mind, but the the idea of him, not just the idea but himself interests me.

I’d finally get to think of him, to picture him, to finally illustrate the dusk and dawn, and the day and night all in his eyes, i could finally feel what romantic writers get to so lavishly describe.

But i don’t want to describe this in words, it could almost be of a mysteries phenomenon where the heart and mind syncs as one, they are always expressed as having two different paths, the logic and the scrutinized emotional drive, but i can clearly see that they were just waiting for one thing to link through, the heart can’t simply feel without the mind seeing the logic,  and the mind can’t see the logic in anything that the heart can’t feel.

It is we who misunderstood ourselves and it is we who can find the glitch in the system and have the only key to reboot.

When you emerge in something you completely feel and understand is euphoric, but to every euphoria is the downside of being ended and the fear of overdosing.
Fear plagues logic and emotions with overthinking, i won’t state that i don’t have this fear, but the hope i have for this succeeding and not being just a fling is thriving over all fears.

The wanting of him exempts any doubts.

I wrote this some time ago, and i always wanted to finish it but never had the time to, but now giving to the fact that i didn’t care if his mind and heart also synced at the sight of me, as mine does at the sight of him, it didn’t really matter if i overcame fear or not.
Some of our journeys are mapped out for us by the universe, some journeys are not taken on alone.
This wasn’t about me from the very beginning, but about him and his journey to self-completion.

The wanting of him employs all doubts.

The Quantum theory and so on..

space and time are definitive

the events sequined by our actions follows through and are infinitive, stuck in between space and time.

what we do today at ten PM could change what we are at the same time tomorrow, again time and space are definitive you can’t deny them, and you can’t specify a way of living them , yet you can specify  your future by the way you live your present.


isn’t the future a property of time and space? is the future definitive too?  how can we change the future if it’s constant in space and time, but it’s true our actions today are the outcomes of tomorrow, if so! then WE must be the future and thus WE are space and time.

if we don’t exist will time and space still exist? or do all of this disappear? we can’t be sure, because all of this world with it’s facts, science, quantum and all of the traffic and jam of the daily life all of that exist in our minds, if we disappear how would we know that all of this won’t!
if you start seeing your life in the eyes of the universe, you realize the spec of time and space you occupy, a tiny piece of a bigger image that of most organization, like a big embroidery on the ceiling of a fancy palace, still though a change even as tiny as it seems could pilfer the enchantment of our universe.

your a big piece yet your a tiny one!, not at all confusing, it solely and entirely depends on your perspective ( if you stay focused on that piece and that piece only all you see is merely that, you’l start feeling the importance of the space you fill, when you think of how your absence effect the other pieces, once you think of that, everything becomes shadowed and of less importance on it’s own.

One day, fifteen years from now or so, you’ll hear of someone you loved back in the past, getting married, having a child, suffering from an illness or even dead! it doesn’t really matter, because either way whether is a good or bad news, everything will feel parallel, and space will be void, and all you’ll be left with is the memories that somehow finds it’s way filling the void.

each of us takes a different path and with time we are rendered astray from our initial purpose, this is where the people in your life fits in, to hold your hand and set you back on track, those who observe us with care have a better view of who we have become and where we are heading.


Two Am ; can’t sleep, orbitals and galaxies on my room’s ceiling, a chase of memories escape through those galaxies with every time i shut my eyes in pursue of sleep, words of space and time keeps running,

maybe this is all the night’s doings but still the Question: what are we of all of this? remains…


the love kinda friendship

 A Relationship formed side by side with friendship  is of the strongest ones.

if i’m ever asked for an advice about a certain admirer or crush i’d say be friends 1st before you walk into the formidable love drama, because that’s the part where you get comfortable and start knowing things you didn’t know before and that either makes your relationship stronger or merely a mistake but with going with the friends then lovers approach there is  a greater chance you’ll find that mistake before the harm is done.

but what if your not planning for love or friendship what if your best friend decided to love you and it turns to one sided love.

he loved me 1st, he love me more, he love me once, twice and he loved me thrice and many times.

he loved me like in the movies, like in the stories and like i was the only girl on the planet.

he loved me and i tried to love him back, his warm eyes and widest of smiles, i can see me in those eyes, and the best of all? his overwhelming presence, oh how many times have i wanted to hug him and assure him that i’m doing my best to be his, but doing the best to be his is not the same as being his, and if i do fail, it would be twice as hurtful than if i was his for even once! with the loss of his friendship.

i’m not hurt by the lack of love, not hurt for being left out, for being unappreciated, nor for being alone as people nowadays are, i’m hurt by the unconditional love that i’m unable to take in or have the will to give back, i’m suffocated by the irony of life and scrutiny of days, and it’s sure my future won’t be of any less confusion.

this has been the heaviest of burdens and the lightest of dreams , the greatest of sins and of my most blessed deeds, a virtue and disbelief .

over the past couple of years have i carried this schizophrenic monotony, i didn’t quite understand it, nor have i understood it yet! i have chosen to write about it before, hoping for the words i write to provide me with at least an echo of a meaning, but ended with not having the courage to write a single word.

He was planning to watch a movie, watching movies and talking about them with him is one of the things that sets this life at ease, he named a few and decided to watch ‘Love Rosie’ he recommended it so…

i carried on, and watched it too months later, specifically the night of the 26th of march 2016, the movie was of his story, wishing i have watched it way earlier, it struck me that the only thing i was ever confused about is myself!

i kept everything he ever got me, they are of the things i church, not matter how small it was, was it a piece of paper, couple of simple quotidian words, or was it a gift box.

He is the idea and the meaning, the question and the answer, he is the sky with it’s morning sun and night moon, he is the tears and the smile, the pain and the joy, the leafs of autumn, the howling wind, the rain and storm, the sun that burns your skin, and the colors of spring that makes all the former somehow tolerable, he is everything of a meaning.

and i’m a person of irrationality and rational madness which sounds utterly irrational and that’s how i feel most of the time, i usually fail to grasp the core of meanings and i’m happy with that.

this time i failed to grasp the most important of meanings

i failed to grasp a friend

i failed to grasp him.

The ingenious

i want to go back to where i belong, back into my mother’s womb, this world scares me, and has nothing of what i longed for, has nothing of what i envisioned for myself, people say that a baby sees his whole life in flashes while he is still an embryo.

on a Monday afternoon, i lay down in bed on my right, holding my pillow, feeling my head rest sinking, it was a long day with hideous traffic, is this how i felt back when i was still an embryo?, have i seen this before?, circled around myself in encumbrance, floating in my mother’s fluids clasping my tiny body, if that’s true i want to go back, to a place of similarity, a place of healing, of renovation, where you just sit back and wait for all the nutrients to inoculate straight into your blood, you don’t have to survive, you don’t have to face the world, nor talk to people, oh how much i hate connecting to people, though i need to, i hate how i’m biologically engineered to communicate, you see your obligated to form a community, you need it and it needs you, it’s a circle that starts with your birth and never ends till your unfortunately dead.
today i’m watching the sky coloring itself in dark purple, indigo and little of orange here and there, it’s windy with all the swirls and woofs a strong wind makes when is weighed down by sand, you get a sense of the wind fighting for latitude, fighting to stay up, the sand wanting it down, it’s like the fear i had on last Monday afternoon has never happened, one of the blessings and curses of this universe is time, time and place is not static, it moves as you go along, it has two lengths, one of physics and one of mind, time fails to stay on with life changing moments and succeeds on lingering through sadness and failure.

as the trees protrude through the half painted houses before me, so the need for family and friends protrude through your self-will, the sad truth is that no one can accomplish anything on his own, i’v worked so hard to deny that, to prove i can accomplish much all on my own, a lass who’s alone but not lonely, gotten so little but has given so much, unfortunately nor could i deny or disprove it, i started to observe how my oldest brother got what he needed by sweet talk and patience over things that oppose his ways but could benefit him on the long shot, to put it simple it’s pure “manipulation” , i feel so foolish when i watch him practice his ways over my father and mother, and so i decided to learn it and practice his ways when i need it.
little that i knew, manipulation is a profession..

made not for foolishly engineered minds..

made not for observers, but those who practice it best.